The ‘Worst’ of Cinema: Epilogue

If I attempt another season of this next year, I’ll have more fleshed out guidelines. Attempting to view ‘bad’ cinema in a succession was a struggle, but the real issues was having a clearly idea what a ‘bad’ film meant. Even if it’s just covering material that has less than a 5.0 rating on the Internet Movie Database Base, it will help out a lot. In terms of any conclusions, the obvious one is that the worst viewing experiences are not the films everyone talks about. It is not Manos: The Hands of Fate, not Showgirls, but the long forgotten films that individuals like myself search for on YouTube hoping they are good. Even if they were on the Video Nasties list, like two I’ve covered for this series, that is only a slither of recognisability that protects them from complete obscurity. They are usually the lowest of low budgets and without any creativity or distinctness to them, no infamous reputation or a Torgo to help them get their moment in the spotlight decades later. Usually high profile films I hate this much have personally offended me and that qualifies as its own section of ‘bad’ cinema.

Then of course, every film from the season has a message or two to be learned from them. Each title has a link to the review if you click the name. 

NOTE: The following may contain spoilers, including major ones, so be wary of reading the text before seeing the films mentioned.

From http://c.asset.soup.io/asset/3117/2460_5fc0.gif

Ninja Terminator (1985)

1.  A Garfield telephone is a sign of being a true ninja master.

2. Ninjas are possessive of their shurikens.

From http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111110014836/theflophouse/images/4/43/Vlcsnap-2011-11-09-21h46m12s123.png

The Invisible Maniac (1990)

3. Fishing wire is one’s best friend in a T’n’A movie.

4. Sub sandwiches are dangerous if not consumed in a proper manner. This is why you are taught to chew your food.

From http://www.videotapeswapshop.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/dont2.jpg

Don’t Go Into The Woods Alone (1981)

5. The woods are full of psychotic mountain men and random girls on roller-skates who will bump into you.

6. If you are in a wheelchair, it is not worth it to go up a large hill. It’s tiring and you’ll regret it.

From http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lla6fotTrH1qaoo4lo1_500.jpg

Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)

7. Everyone needs a Rubik’s Cube.

8. Beware of ostriches.

From http://i.ytimg.com/vi/GrHkbqssc10/0.jpg

Strike of Thunderkick Tiger aka. My Name is ‘Twin Legs’ (1982)

9. Again, everyone needs a Rubik’s Cube and it’s the perfect way to store a secret from everyone else.

10. Denim jackets and harpoons are the hottest accessories for leaders of evil crime gangs.

From http://i.imgur.com/mgUvr.png

Jack and Jill (2011)

11. If you are Al Pacino, you can have a loud mobile phone conversation not only through a theatre performance but while you’re actually in it in the lead. He also has a fascination with ceiling fans equitable to a cat with a piece of yarn.

12. Maybe it’s a sign of disconnect if you’re adopted son is sticking random animals to his own body.

From http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com
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Halloween II (2009)

13. Any psychologist cum author will have to face the wrath of ''Weird Al'' Yankovic on a talk show.

14. Beware of cows.

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8QRl3m6_inIo_blNbuqWjzMu41U2GVryRI7Wf0vTJjWSiabPbnHnbiZyz364nQECq1i6JLH41Klk8Drc5_dbA0111EXhuaLEkAgpFWNaAkB2nQR5TtX7yUvErsXcFCPVruGnF9pQCH_IV/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-07-13-21h03m11s254.png

Psychic Wars (1991)

15. You can indeed cure cancer by punching it in the face.

16. Prayer beads are designed for more than just religious practice but as a constricting weapon.

From http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2005_Son_of_the_Mask/005SOM_Bob_Hoskins_001.jpg

Son of the Mask (2005)

17. It is not normal for your new born child to pee in three directions at the same time like an elaborate water fountain.

18. Loki’s reputation in mythology probably has as much to do with the fact that his father Odin is so impatient he doesn’t actually listen to what anyone else says before punishing them.

From http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4cuofSLba1qdc388o1_500.gif

Roots Search (1986)

19. If you are up against an entity who feeds on your nightmares, everyone in your deep space crew except the cute girl in an exceedingly large red beret (or Richard T. Jones and Laurence Fishburne) have to have past traumas. It is the ruling for all space missions globally.

20. When you become pregnant during a pink screened fantasy sequence, you give birth to the Star Child.

From http://www.oocities.org/hotsprings/sauna/2978/mason.jpeg

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

21. Dead men raised from the grave by aliens will terrorise women by going into their houses and walking at them with their cape covering everything below their nose. It would probably scare most men too if such a man was stood above you while you were sleeping.

22. It takes at least nine times for an alien species to have a plan which will have some semblance of success. Either that or they have severe quality control that rejects the plans with less than 75% chance of success.

From http://www.cantstopthemovies.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/sunday2.png

Sunday School Musical (2008)

23. When a talented dancer/singer sulks on a roof, he does so in brief, choreographed hissy fits with non-digetic music.

24. The teacher’s pet in the religious class at Christian schools is a total, egotistical dickhead.

From http://horrornews.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Frozen_Scream1.jpg

Frozen Scream (1973)

25. The narrator has the power to speak over conversations of other people they are not even privy to onscreen.

26. It is custom amongst evil henchmen to threaten to murder pumpkins when carving them into Jack o-lanterns.

From http://b.vimeocdn.com/ts/171/538/171538072_640.jpg

Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam aka. Turkish Star Wars (1982)

27. Be careful of using your famous wolf whistle that attracts women on an alien planet. It may bring skeletal horseman instead.

28. Despite the fact they could use any human brain to destroy the brainwave force field protecting the Earth, an evil, cosmic wizard is very picky with what cerebral matter they use.

From http://alive-ua.com/uploads/posts/2012-12/1356880977_720p_9990.jpg

Double Team (1997)

29. Even cyber monks have to put up with porn ads on their computers.

30. Tigers and landmines seem like a good idea at first...

From http://366weirdmovies.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/manos_the_hands_of_fate.jpg

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

31. Be wary evil cult leaders, your male servant may be a sex pervert and may do to your sleeping wives what the male protagonist of Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion (1997) does to his comatose co-pilot.

32. Said servant probably doesn’t get paid or have a pension though, partially explaining such perverted behaviour. If any menial work, even with cult leaders, does not have any bonuses or does not encourages its staff, they will behave in inappropriate ways to customers and fellow employees in similar ways to occupy themselves.

From http://hkmdb.com/db/images/movies/15108/TheUltimateNinja+1986-7-b.jpg

The Ultimate Ninja (1986)

33. A celebrity in a small village is the daughter of the martial arts master.

34. Having ‘ninja’ on the headbands helps your amnesic ninja warriors remember who they are.

From http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_xgDJUWDazQg/S7dshnAyS5I
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Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

35. A proud cook should go through all the ingredients of the meal they’ve cooked for everyone else while they’re eating the meal.

36. Romance and alien lycanthropy is difficult to juggle.

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZOyfI_MWn14C7Vhb4Ue0ntc_NeSoz0HrmlbGJ2hGve-xXFRYCjW7iVoQLYKf2pobhptGP0szyLwmjPd1N1EzxppLV9jyD1VL-PdJ5dG-hsPJXQTqvysQykhneOp2eK92pfXluFwmI3jqi/s1600/The_Humanoid_%25
2528OVA_1986_Kaname+Pro%2529.mkv_001810683+copia.jpg

The Humanoid (1986)

37. A political leader whose last name is Proud is probably the worst person to have elected if they have any plans that they think will not fail in the slightest despite warnings from first hand witnesses of the last time the plan failed.

38. You can overcome the loss of a loved one with a good coffee.

From http://image.hotdog.hu/user/sajuri/magazin/van_helsing_2004_1920x1280_823447.jpg

Van Helsing (2004)

39. In Transylvania, a Queen of the Gypsies is able to accomplish athletics in high heels that would break another woman’s ankles if they stepped into a grill by accident.

40. Vampires have arguments that are melodramatic even compared to soap operas and probably have really sweating, slimy make-up orgies afterwards. Just do not ask about pregnancy and birthing.

From http://lh3.ggpht.com/_goOTcYF7VN4/SeVVMAUZIBI/
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The Ninja Strikes Back (1982)

41.  James Bond memorabilia is reused by Japanese sex slave traders.

42. Beware of topless massages.

From http://i082.radikal.ru/1211/45/700394fe0cb9.png

On Deadly Ground (1994)

43. Do not hire John C. McGinley as the leader of your goons. He can run a hospital, and can berate imbeciles in the group, but he’s all talk and yet completely incompetent at the work.

44. Steven Seagal is so good he can beat you with just a game of Slaps. Put him against a grizzly bear and it’s a completely different match.

From http://i.imgur.com/2lXNH.png

Apollo 18 (2011)

45. Pet rocks are not innocent.

From http://fearofaghostplanet.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Batman-and-Robin-Mr-Freeze.png

Batman & Robin (1997)

46. Superheroes have their own credit cards. Superman’s only weaknesses are Kryptonite and debt collectors.

47. Sidekicks have egos and are horn dogs. This is also why Superman works alone.

From http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_BcbuH_teL2Q/S8tIv8bKRFI/
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Dominator (2003)

48. If you are an evil Overlord of Hell, don’t let your demonic minions near alcohol. Drunk they will slag you off directly into your face and switch sides.

49. Carol Vorderman apparently likes generic heavy metal.

From http://s54.radikal.ru/i145/1204/0c/db54f7b98206.jpg

Sword of Bushido (1990)

50. Ninjutsu needs to include basic practice of looking both ways while crossing a road.

51. Never pass up on an opportunity to have a car chase in a go-kart.

From http://planetaua.net/uploads/posts/2010-07/1278237166_8f87a111e85c99664a13827588e68185.jpg

Showgirls (1995)

52. The most vital things in a Las Vegas showgirl’s refrigerator, an ice tray and dog food.

53. Las Vegas isn’t Oz let alone Kansas, but there are still monkeys everywhere.

From http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EHBh8MKeXJ0/TSUy_nO3XoI/
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Robot Monster (1953)

54. Dinosaurs suddenly appear when you use your death ray.

55. Unlike human beings, Ro-men are able to communicate across outer space with just a radio and a TV screen.

From http://torrentszona.com/torrents/images/Morg_Mortuary_2005_BDRip_1285557700-123502.jpg

Mortuary (2005)

56. When it looks like its Clint Howard playing the main monster, you can’t find his credit on the film’s IMDB page and feel very disappointed.

57. Little sisters are oblivious to you smelling of weed.

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXE7JLq9SBaASTAYoj8cE6xqo-GGkGSm5378KdH9dyi8g4vz7KrwnNdCl1TLqiPv3QOkTX-x-i7tLmBWZTPd2Z1zHRcydnu0rBmrvJSCFnbh-Rj9MDV3ROb3oufd9xF1JAYl25abfBqq-v/s1600/IG02.jpg

International Gorillay (1990)

58. Rocket launchers sound like rayguns.

59. Disco floors can be programmed to cause people to explode on specific tiles.

From http://leetleech.org/images/15810621566410270391.jpg

Cutthroat Island (1995)

60. It’s not deemed crossing a line when you fire your ship’s cannons at a female pirate trying to escape on land despite the damage you’ll cause to the town and architecture doing so.

61. If you have plans to acquire lost Spanish treasure, get a pawn shop consultant just in case. You can divide equally gold doubloons easily, but giant gold crosses need to have their value evaluated against the rest of the loot so there aren’t any controversies amongst the crew.

Hopefully these useful pieces of life advice will benefit you as it did for me. Until the next time, if another season of this does happen, I’ll be going back to the regular reviews. This Week... will unfortunately have to end as because in hindsight attempting to cover every film I watch defeats the purpose of enjoying films and being selective in my review choices. Instead, each month I will have a look back at the films I will have seen, which will include a film or two from this season for the month of February.

Until then, I’ll enjoy life like Michael Caine, star of On Deadly Ground, is doing so here...

From http://cdni.condenast.co.uk/642x390/a_c/Bullseye_GQ_13apr11_pr_b.jpg