Videotape Swapshop Review: Redline (2009)

From http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6yYV7yIiz0A/UCkHvFCfK6I/
AAAAAAAAALk/hlr6YHFuNVw/s1600/REDLINE-8.jpg

Dir. Takeshi Koike

Japan

Another review, but if there is any film that I absolutely recommend to the reader of this blog, this would be one of the first ones. Just go find and watch it, even before reading the review linked here. 

Review Link - http://www.videotapeswapshop.co.uk/12899/redline-%E2%80%93-2009-director-takeshi-koike/

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrYwxC54YwZoTY94XOEw9Q6Y9NnJKO2kAtY3ZwOiLkmhOSvoWyvoM6txxgN3orwbN72d01nNFWF1oTXggWyjCvXxvaKF7pNS63mEHgs7j11VeGLCzbm4puZSvbVMAVN-3o6E4fhCGBQDs/s1600/Redline-2009-Takeshi-Koike.png

Videotape Swapshop Review: Les vampires (1915)

From http://image.toutlecine.com/photos/v/a/m/vampires-1915-01-g.jpg

Dir. Louis Feuillade

France

Continuing with my Videotape Swapshop reviews, this is the oldest work I have probably reviewed yet anywhere, the legendary film serial from the same creator of Fantomas (1913), which I need to reinvestigate and actually watch all the way through. This serial is excellent though by itself.

Review Link - http://www.videotapeswapshop.co.uk/12998/les-vampires-%E2%80%93-1915-director-louis-feuillade/

Mini-Review: Terror In A Texas Town (1958)

From http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9QcjIpxfKYU/T9IHqmf1rdI/AAAAAAAADlw
/6rJSRxVsTuM/s1600/Terror%2Bin%2Ba%2BTexas%2BTown.jpg

Dir. Joseph H. Lewis

USA

The old motto is to never bring a knife to a gunfight. At the beginning of this western from the director of The Big Combo (1955), a man brings a harpoon to a duel, so large that it makes the one from Strike of Thunderkick Tiger (1982), the film I reviewed a month ago, look like a toothpick. Said man is George Hansen (Sterling Hayden), who comes to a tiny town only to discover his father was killed. As he investigates the cause of this, he begins to be wary of an enforcer (Sebastian Cabot) for a rich tycoon who has no qualms about using force. The film is only seventy seven minutes long, a lean, solid tale. Unlike The Big Combo, which undermined its point as film noir by having its protagonist get on his soapbox and rant for no justifiable reason when the plot laid it out for him, this is too short to allow itself to be bogged down by bloat in the dialogue and events, and in the character of Hansen has a man with a likeable personality who just wants to claim his father’s farm and nothing else.

Hayden is good in his main role, passing off, and I am serious with this comment, as a lovable bear of a man who yet has the curved-from-cliff face of a Lee Marvin who will snap when his immense patience is broken.  Cabot is just as good thought, his villainous character allowed to have time to flesh him out alongside his love interest Molly (Carol Kelly), showing him as a heartless villain who yet is vulnerable and could have been a great man if he tried. As I watch more westerns, I am finally getting more enamoured by them, not just the later ones post-Serios Leone and Sam Peckinpah, as the good ones like this show both good genre storytelling and exhibit American culture and moral tales through a genre that has been repeated hundreds of times and yet still be watchable. Terror In A Texas Town does not attempt to be more than a short length western, and succeeds incredibly well.

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh76pzL11mstgy17hI3Lf8NFDLtwmqhyphenhyphenRr-GmuVMxeIsfUKcOFRMlnNba3mzNKecwWYzFEz0Xm3rVYKgw5BzCr0vMNvIyDgA9F4dCcvsM0qf_2jOFx87qQFZxGddI3T-mKJKw17Ua2KM37m/s1600/ttt4.jpg

Don’t Feed It After Midnight... [Pet Shop of Horrors (1999)]

From http://i.animecrazy.net/pet.jpg

Dir. Toshio Hirata

Japan

From http://ani.me/site_media/media/articles/2012/10/27/pet-shop-of-horrors-1_png_650x10000_q85.jpg

In Joe Dante’s Gremlins (1984), the younger buyer of a Mogwai is given a set of rules of how to take care of it, including the rule the title of the review is taken from. If not followed then the seller is not accountable of the misery the results lead to. Pet Shop of Horrors, a four part anime mini-series adapted from a manga by Matsuri Akino, follows this same idea. Morality tales are a vast part of human storytelling. In the West it has been with us since the fairytales we heard as children, and while slasher films got too puritanical for their small britches at one point, moral warnings still exist in the horror films we watch as adults. In Japanese pop culture, morality tales are quite common in horror fiction. You could argue that the morality tale could be viewed as a way to distract people from the truth of certain things, used to scare anyone into conformity with public fears and old wives’ tales, but they also exist as warnings from wiser people to others of having common sense and to avoid making mistakes that will cost you dearly. The old phrase “be careful for what you wish for” applies to a lot of horror tales, especially with ones like Pet Shop of Horrors and its characters who may be far from innocent in the first place.

From http://www.watchcartoononline.com/thumbs/Petshop-of-Horrors-Episode-1.jpg

Housed in Chinatown in Los Angeles is a pet store owned by the mysterious Count D, a soft spoken man with a sweet tooth and a feminine demeanor, who sells “dreams” to his customers as well as regular pets. The ‘dreams’ however are bizarre creatures that require a strict contract of three rules to be signed to acquire hem, that cannot be broken by the client at any point. If the rules are broken, the pet store is blameless for what happens and something exceptionally gristly is bound to happen. Officer Orcot, a homicide detective, believes D is clearly behind the deaths after buying these pets, but the true nature of the customers is far more morally grey than one would immediately presume. Bear in mind that this mini-series is only four episodes long only, single stories that do not get deeper in terms of  connecting plot as the manga may do*. Also like some of the horror tales I’ve seen in anime and in manga, it is full of elaborate explanations after the events to explain them and the morals of the tales, which could be seen as off-putting for being over explanatory. It became quite obvious with this work that this over-elaborate explaining, all from Count D himself and his philosophising, is the main meat of many of these tales as well as the gruesome conclusions, and the mystical creatures in this mini-series that may be real and hallucinations, so to view the work with this in mind markedly improves it greatly. Count D effectively becomes a one-man Greek Chorus and Crypt Keeper as well as the one who gives them the object (ie. the pet) that causes the events to happen. The four episodes play off the conflicts of human emotions and their follies, the old chestnuts that are still great themes to tackle, but adds the additional fact that, like in many Japanese stories, the person involved may have willingly let themselves be damned. Why Hideo Nakata’s Ringu (1998) became such a legendary horror film as it has was probably both its premise of the cursed videotape, but also its theme of the complicity of people, in how the tape came to existent and that a victim, anyone of us viewers in reality too, could let this happen to us even if we knew going in that viewing the tape could kill us after seven days, gambling our life on such high stakes and scepticism. Pet Shop of Horrors plays with this concept nicely in such short a space of time.

From http://www.randomdestination.com/members/mj/amvscreencaps/Embrace_Your_Fate.jpg

If there is an issue with the mini-series it’s that, despite being hand drawn animation before the use of computers after the Millennium that became standard in anime production, it’s not the best it could have been even for television. The first episode, which I read in some form in a sample catalogue of manga from a distribution company, is naturally going to be superior in most exceptions on page, even if this version includes a bit I may have been deprived of from the sample that will disturb female viewers more than the male ones, but despite the virtues of the story itself, it lacks the complete punch an animated adaptation could have had. Pet Shop of Horrors is a solid ninety minute DVD, but it wasn’t allowed to fully form into something special because of the lack of episodes and the clear faults of the visual look and design. It may be a one-off viewing for many only because of this, unless you become enamoured by the material, but within the context of morality tale fiction, and what this does right in just four episodes, it was a great one-off viewing to have regardless.

From http://www.vendadeanimes.net/imagens/vendadeanimes.net/produtos/pet_shop_of_horrors_2.jpg

* I have yet to read the manga, but something that is ten volumes long as it was after it ended either went to a major narrative by its end or at least added to the backgrounds and the natures of the main characters within it. The four episodes of this anime adaptation are one shot tales only. 

From http://i.animecrazy.net/q-chan.jpg

A Loving Review of...Fellini’s Roma (1972)

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3WIUEk8Tv4Du6fEcBe1Oy2EryeWVZV1dyHl-DIcLQXenfCw8M_kBsp-u7EZayiyX0i-MM-s1QttoI5bN9oq1Ohg23bI2XZuLs4Hc_QQ-J8uuTcbXmhGtHl-_9jULQvLRQF1VPnWiwopn7/s1600/roma1.jpg

Dir. Federico Fellini

France-Italy

From http://img2.imageshack.us/img2/6719/felliniromaimg1.jpg

In many ways one’s autobiography would have to include the place you had grown up in. This has been a small streak within cinema from Fellini’s films to Guy Maddin’s My Winnipeg (2007). Both films thought, alongside others like Terence Davies’ Of Time and the City (2008), have had to tackle within the running times what it means to be born in a certain country as well to explain this – My Winnipeg is as much about Maddin being Canadian as Of Time and the City is of Davies being a Briton of a certain generation as well as a Liverpudlian. Federico Fellini’s Roma however is completely upfront about this aspect. Roma has no clear narrative. It is a series of interconnecting, or separate, segments about Rome. It shares aspects of classic history of the previous theatrical film to this Satyricon (1969) and his childhood under the rule of Benito Mussolini that would be tackled more in his very well regarded Amarcord (1973), but tackles it in a further grandness even compared to his other work in explaining what Rome means to him as a place.

From http://image.toutlecine.com/photos/f/e/l/fellini-roma-1972-02-g.jpg

It is an exceptionally well made film, one that could only be made within the seventies sadly, able to juggle classical period scenes, usually with a young representation of Fellini within it, and the current Rome with the same grandeur. It has within itself the old Rome, the real one of ancient history and culture, against the new Rome of rebellious students and alternative culture. Fellini himself shows a key issue of the film by having an older man desire from him to not make a film about the lowlifes, prostitutes and ‘tranvesties’ that he felt would make Rome look bad to the world, and then immediately after it students wanting him to show the political and poverty issues of the city, placing the various separate and divisive aspects of the city together in one varying image of it. Fellini is a baroque classicist, showing the period of World War II as a time that, despite the war, people could still function as joyful human beings. That he shows the rightwing propaganda of the Mussolini reign at the time alongside these warm, jubilant scenes is not a troubling concept as it could have been. Not only did Fellini undermine the image of Mussolini greatly in Amarcord, including a bizarre sequence with a giant head, but in this film he shows the period with honesty, growing up within it, and how the fascist ideology was going to fail in hindsight. A scene at a vaudeville show, a standout within a film consisting of standout scenes, shows a lovingly hilarious and bawdy series of moments that is undercut by both a bombing of the city, and within an air raid shelter, a man who believes Mussolini and Nazi Germany will win the war against one who doubts the war completely.

From http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_cwkM0jdVSWc/TBKTSjwisuI/
AAAAAAAABTY/j2c591ZThuU/s1600/FelliniRoma.jpg

Technically, Roma is a masterpiece as well as in its content. Breaking away from conventional cinema, and being meta about the filmmaking as well, it keeps the film’s content within a consistent framework by the quality of its making. A masterful sequence on a Rome highway, following a vehicular crane with a film camera on it, also being filmed from another car, shows exceptional skill with the use of filming, editing and sound as it shows the numerous drivers and vehicles on the roads. And Fellini makes sequences like these more than mere technical exercises by having humour, vibrancy, life, and in his obsession with full, heavily made-up women with large bosoms, a virile sexuality to certain moments. It is also more than a nostalgic view of the past as Fellini is certainly aware of the problems of the time it was made in. He sympathises with the new generation and their hippy culture, and in a bravura sequence, shows that ancient history, of the most beautiful, can be lost by the badly planned incursion of modernism and urbanisation. Then there is the ecclesiastical fashion show sequence dubbed by the late Amos Vogel to be a parody of ‘the wealth, commercialisation, and corruption of the contemporary Church”*. With roller-skating priests and freakish skeleton displays moving across a catwalk, it is an inspired and surreal twisting of Catholic iconography that was clearly made by a director who has a lot of admiration for Christianity but has the foresight of a critic, and the weight as a great director to get away with it, to slam the state of the Vatican church this mercilessly.

From http://image.toutlecine.com/photos/f/e/l/fellini-roma-1972-13-g.jpg

In comparison to another Italian film about a director’s life and the world around it, Giuseppe Tornatore's Baarìa (2009) about three generations from his home village, which was sluggish and had the tone of a Hovis Bread advert rather than a film that tackled the director’s childhood, Italian politics including socialism and World War II, Fellini’s film Roma is way and above it, reminded of its failures in comparison to a film that is willing to break beyond the conventional narrative arch in favour of showing the life of Rome, good and bad, in a mass collage of images. Ending with a breathtaking sequence of a mass of youths on motorcycles and scooters in unison on the streets of Rome, driving place iconic architecture like the Coliseum, it is a loving film of the city while also reframing from being a musky, lazy ode that lacks the passion to do the task properly. Instead it ends with a jubilant picture of the future Romans of the time taking the streets, no end credits needed to spoil the power of this image.

From http://www.ffffilm.com/uploads/dan/snapshots
/2009/12/shots/03885ef78edb0c57febba946098830bd3036833a-700.png

*Quote taken from Vogel’s exceptional book Film As A Subversive Art. Find it and read it. 

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhko2qn2uQQgYAsK2GtZpwLmP_Gh085IZ-q8hKVwvU8ofIKd1v0v-xdZyikSMLkdUtoT5g4W0ZDBqJgroHoW6TS8VDZg47B3UZSRDmQpFkbgGEK1n5Q517lt9USRrmPzG6GqaYsTlsjTHt6/s1600/fellini-roma-1972-03-g.jpg

A Tentative Review of...Pistol Opera (2001)

From http://d.ratingmovies.com/servlet/Main/CoverDisplay/Pistol_Opera_(2001).jpg?film_rn=2267

Dir. Seijun Suzuki

Japan

From http://www.randybyers.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Pistol-Opera_043.jpg

Regardless of my opinion on Pistol Opera, in terms of visual look, it shows a wise master of enfant terrible filmmaking, fired from a studio who would make unconventional films for making one that went too far, looking at the upstarts that were appearing from Japan at the start of the Millennium and showing them what pure, unadulterated craftsmanship at its most abstract was. A quasi-sequel to his famous film Branded To Kill (1967), which the Nikkatsu Company blacklisted him for, its follows the No. 3 assassin Stray Cat as she goes about in a Guild of Assassins and the No. 1 assassin Hundred Eyes who is eliminating everyone beneath them on mass in the rankings. Combining avant garde performance art, theatre, pop art, manga, euro-guro influence and numerous other aesthetic styles too many to count, Pistol Opera despite its obvious low budget is still the creation of a director who creates distinct films in every frame, where every detail is potent visually when noticed. With a comic book world, with assassins including a wheelchair bound man, and an awkwardly Japanese speaking and knife welding American called Painless Doctor, this maximalist style, despite the fact that many of the scenes, in real locations and sets, are sparse and very theatrical in dressage, is a standout example of production work. I have not seen many of Suzuki’s films, but Branded To Kill and (especially) Kagero-za (aka. Heat-Haze Theatre) (1981) showed decades before this film how talented he is as a director who worked in intentionally abstract worlds onto themselves.

From http://www.rowthree.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/SuzukiPistolOpera1.jpg

Unfortunately...I wonder if this will change after a second viewing, the layout of the film known already allowing me to put the pieces together properly and loving the movie, as at this point the content of Pistol Opera is vague and lacks the consistency of its visual design. It is a dense, experimental film which, while having a clear narrative through line, does not conform to conventions of narrative, plotting and character progression. It is comparable to Jean-Luc Godard’s Film socialisme (2010), both vastly different films with different purposes, but both of them are intentionally undermining and playing with the form of film, barrages of images and moments in a stream of consciousness that may connect to the whole work but may instead be designed to be absorbed by its own. Films like this are always, always, difficult at first, and will divide one until one rewatches it to see if anything ‘clicks’ in either direction on the film, but on this viewing it can be argued that Suzuki may have stretched the material a bit too far. Even as pulp welded to experimental cinema, it doesn’t completely work technically. Images can have clear meanings but whether the audience can follow him, regardless of their background, is another matter. Take for example the climax – in a museum of terror full of gruesome paintings (like Goya’s portrait of the god Saturn eating his own children), a mushroom cloud image and choreographed moments with half naked, painted white men that reminded me of the film Jigoku (1960) and its portrait of Hell recreated in a funhouse that had a children’s adventure playground built within the structure as well. What do moments like this mean even if they were aesthetic flourishes designed to affect you on the surface only? This is the issue for me with Pistol Opera in that rather than be dense in concepts, or casual with it abstractness, which can be seen in anything from Luis Buñuel’s The Phantom of Liberty (1974) to the Looney Tunes shorts of Chuck Jones, it presents every moment in an arch way that suggests it is all significant in a certain way. On a first viewing, when you are being as patient as much as possible with its tone and pace, it is exasperating when viewing a film completely fresh and not finding something that fully intrigues you aside from a confused reaction to it. Is this a fallacy on the viewer’s part, or should a film, no matter how unconventional it is, grab any viewer into it by the end without need of a rewatch to clarify if you like it or not? Kagero-za, while having a more elaborate narrative and drama, was just as abstract as this film was when I viewed it a few years ago and it grabbed me on its first viewing immediately by the end credits. It presents to one the issue that patience without understand a film fully is needed but the frustration of the original viewing, and the potential that you may find it to be a bad film by a 50/50 chance on the second viewing, is still a lingering problem that cannot be ignored.

From http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7jhjmygBV1qzqan7o1_500.jpg

Pistol Opera, even if I do fall in love with it eventually, is clearly over-indulgent in its length if there is one thing I can say clearly without hesitation. At two hours, the conflict I had with grasping this content, new to my eyes, ears and brain, was heightened by it being two hours long rather than a condensed, ninety minute blast to the skull. It is a very quiet film despite its content, in pace and style, so quiet in pace it still feels like the stereotypical work made by an director in their older years and so quiet in terms of sound and music most of the length that you have to view this film in as silent an environment as possible. The slow pace’s paradoxical place, sleeping alongside, the vivid surrealism and toy guns probably causes more difficulty in trying to grasp the film, more so, as I openly admit, as I thought I would be going into a heart racing explosion of colour and madness from an older director wanting to out-pace the likes of Takashi Miike. Instead it’s leisurely while still being about assassins straight from a Golgo 13 anime if it was crossed with a fashion shot. That is something that needs a lot of patience even if the potential future could lead to me having this film in my top 100 films of all time. That this film is seemingly trying to avoid its plot completely, with long moments of characters moving onscreen to a monologue, in another place with Caucasian Westerners looking at the speaking person sat on top a car, about their love of flags from childhood, and it is drastically different from even Godard at his most obscure in that he at least is blunt and straight-to-the-point with his ideas.

From http://www.jonathanrosenbaum.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/pistolopera5.jpg

The issue now, as stated, is what a second viewing, a third viewing even, will do to Pistol Opera and its relationship to me. All I can say now is that, after it ended, I was disappointed, but writing this I keep thinking of moments out of context, and within it, that actually worked even when I was bored viewing them. I intend to rewatch Pistol Opera again at some point this year, and if I have a differing opinion on it that time, then I will write a second review to replace this one. See this as the thoughts of a first viewing of a film as it is written as, what happens when you find yourself divide by a movie and are stuck in that awful period before another viewing when possible will allow you to finally decide what your opinion on a film actually is totally.

From http://videos.movie-list.com/sexmaniac/img/pistolopera2.jpg

The ‘Worst’ of Cinema: Epilogue

If I attempt another season of this next year, I’ll have more fleshed out guidelines. Attempting to view ‘bad’ cinema in a succession was a struggle, but the real issues was having a clearly idea what a ‘bad’ film meant. Even if it’s just covering material that has less than a 5.0 rating on the Internet Movie Database Base, it will help out a lot. In terms of any conclusions, the obvious one is that the worst viewing experiences are not the films everyone talks about. It is not Manos: The Hands of Fate, not Showgirls, but the long forgotten films that individuals like myself search for on YouTube hoping they are good. Even if they were on the Video Nasties list, like two I’ve covered for this series, that is only a slither of recognisability that protects them from complete obscurity. They are usually the lowest of low budgets and without any creativity or distinctness to them, no infamous reputation or a Torgo to help them get their moment in the spotlight decades later. Usually high profile films I hate this much have personally offended me and that qualifies as its own section of ‘bad’ cinema.

Then of course, every film from the season has a message or two to be learned from them. Each title has a link to the review if you click the name. 

NOTE: The following may contain spoilers, including major ones, so be wary of reading the text before seeing the films mentioned.

From http://c.asset.soup.io/asset/3117/2460_5fc0.gif

Ninja Terminator (1985)

1.  A Garfield telephone is a sign of being a true ninja master.

2. Ninjas are possessive of their shurikens.

From http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111110014836/theflophouse/images/4/43/Vlcsnap-2011-11-09-21h46m12s123.png

The Invisible Maniac (1990)

3. Fishing wire is one’s best friend in a T’n’A movie.

4. Sub sandwiches are dangerous if not consumed in a proper manner. This is why you are taught to chew your food.

From http://www.videotapeswapshop.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/dont2.jpg

Don’t Go Into The Woods Alone (1981)

5. The woods are full of psychotic mountain men and random girls on roller-skates who will bump into you.

6. If you are in a wheelchair, it is not worth it to go up a large hill. It’s tiring and you’ll regret it.

From http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lla6fotTrH1qaoo4lo1_500.jpg

Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)

7. Everyone needs a Rubik’s Cube.

8. Beware of ostriches.

From http://i.ytimg.com/vi/GrHkbqssc10/0.jpg

Strike of Thunderkick Tiger aka. My Name is ‘Twin Legs’ (1982)

9. Again, everyone needs a Rubik’s Cube and it’s the perfect way to store a secret from everyone else.

10. Denim jackets and harpoons are the hottest accessories for leaders of evil crime gangs.

From http://i.imgur.com/mgUvr.png

Jack and Jill (2011)

11. If you are Al Pacino, you can have a loud mobile phone conversation not only through a theatre performance but while you’re actually in it in the lead. He also has a fascination with ceiling fans equitable to a cat with a piece of yarn.

12. Maybe it’s a sign of disconnect if you’re adopted son is sticking random animals to his own body.

From http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com
/tumblr_l604rxSHuH1qzhiqwo2_1280.png?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAI6WLSGT7Y3ET7ADQ&Expires=
1361487064&Signature=Y%2FeBKJt3yrugYCP5CLZpK8cXaLs%3D

Halloween II (2009)

13. Any psychologist cum author will have to face the wrath of ''Weird Al'' Yankovic on a talk show.

14. Beware of cows.

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8QRl3m6_inIo_blNbuqWjzMu41U2GVryRI7Wf0vTJjWSiabPbnHnbiZyz364nQECq1i6JLH41Klk8Drc5_dbA0111EXhuaLEkAgpFWNaAkB2nQR5TtX7yUvErsXcFCPVruGnF9pQCH_IV/s1600/vlcsnap-2011-07-13-21h03m11s254.png

Psychic Wars (1991)

15. You can indeed cure cancer by punching it in the face.

16. Prayer beads are designed for more than just religious practice but as a constricting weapon.

From http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2005_Son_of_the_Mask/005SOM_Bob_Hoskins_001.jpg

Son of the Mask (2005)

17. It is not normal for your new born child to pee in three directions at the same time like an elaborate water fountain.

18. Loki’s reputation in mythology probably has as much to do with the fact that his father Odin is so impatient he doesn’t actually listen to what anyone else says before punishing them.

From http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4cuofSLba1qdc388o1_500.gif

Roots Search (1986)

19. If you are up against an entity who feeds on your nightmares, everyone in your deep space crew except the cute girl in an exceedingly large red beret (or Richard T. Jones and Laurence Fishburne) have to have past traumas. It is the ruling for all space missions globally.

20. When you become pregnant during a pink screened fantasy sequence, you give birth to the Star Child.

From http://www.oocities.org/hotsprings/sauna/2978/mason.jpeg

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

21. Dead men raised from the grave by aliens will terrorise women by going into their houses and walking at them with their cape covering everything below their nose. It would probably scare most men too if such a man was stood above you while you were sleeping.

22. It takes at least nine times for an alien species to have a plan which will have some semblance of success. Either that or they have severe quality control that rejects the plans with less than 75% chance of success.

From http://www.cantstopthemovies.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/sunday2.png

Sunday School Musical (2008)

23. When a talented dancer/singer sulks on a roof, he does so in brief, choreographed hissy fits with non-digetic music.

24. The teacher’s pet in the religious class at Christian schools is a total, egotistical dickhead.

From http://horrornews.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Frozen_Scream1.jpg

Frozen Scream (1973)

25. The narrator has the power to speak over conversations of other people they are not even privy to onscreen.

26. It is custom amongst evil henchmen to threaten to murder pumpkins when carving them into Jack o-lanterns.

From http://b.vimeocdn.com/ts/171/538/171538072_640.jpg

Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam aka. Turkish Star Wars (1982)

27. Be careful of using your famous wolf whistle that attracts women on an alien planet. It may bring skeletal horseman instead.

28. Despite the fact they could use any human brain to destroy the brainwave force field protecting the Earth, an evil, cosmic wizard is very picky with what cerebral matter they use.

From http://alive-ua.com/uploads/posts/2012-12/1356880977_720p_9990.jpg

Double Team (1997)

29. Even cyber monks have to put up with porn ads on their computers.

30. Tigers and landmines seem like a good idea at first...

From http://366weirdmovies.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/manos_the_hands_of_fate.jpg

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

31. Be wary evil cult leaders, your male servant may be a sex pervert and may do to your sleeping wives what the male protagonist of Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion (1997) does to his comatose co-pilot.

32. Said servant probably doesn’t get paid or have a pension though, partially explaining such perverted behaviour. If any menial work, even with cult leaders, does not have any bonuses or does not encourages its staff, they will behave in inappropriate ways to customers and fellow employees in similar ways to occupy themselves.

From http://hkmdb.com/db/images/movies/15108/TheUltimateNinja+1986-7-b.jpg

The Ultimate Ninja (1986)

33. A celebrity in a small village is the daughter of the martial arts master.

34. Having ‘ninja’ on the headbands helps your amnesic ninja warriors remember who they are.

From http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_xgDJUWDazQg/S7dshnAyS5I
/AAAAAAAAAio/D2vzaN9W5kU/s1600/moon+beast.jpg

Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

35. A proud cook should go through all the ingredients of the meal they’ve cooked for everyone else while they’re eating the meal.

36. Romance and alien lycanthropy is difficult to juggle.

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZOyfI_MWn14C7Vhb4Ue0ntc_NeSoz0HrmlbGJ2hGve-xXFRYCjW7iVoQLYKf2pobhptGP0szyLwmjPd1N1EzxppLV9jyD1VL-PdJ5dG-hsPJXQTqvysQykhneOp2eK92pfXluFwmI3jqi/s1600/The_Humanoid_%25
2528OVA_1986_Kaname+Pro%2529.mkv_001810683+copia.jpg

The Humanoid (1986)

37. A political leader whose last name is Proud is probably the worst person to have elected if they have any plans that they think will not fail in the slightest despite warnings from first hand witnesses of the last time the plan failed.

38. You can overcome the loss of a loved one with a good coffee.

From http://image.hotdog.hu/user/sajuri/magazin/van_helsing_2004_1920x1280_823447.jpg

Van Helsing (2004)

39. In Transylvania, a Queen of the Gypsies is able to accomplish athletics in high heels that would break another woman’s ankles if they stepped into a grill by accident.

40. Vampires have arguments that are melodramatic even compared to soap operas and probably have really sweating, slimy make-up orgies afterwards. Just do not ask about pregnancy and birthing.

From http://lh3.ggpht.com/_goOTcYF7VN4/SeVVMAUZIBI/
AAAAAAAAAvs/pjzKpf0FLZM/s400/Ninja10.JPG

The Ninja Strikes Back (1982)

41.  James Bond memorabilia is reused by Japanese sex slave traders.

42. Beware of topless massages.

From http://i082.radikal.ru/1211/45/700394fe0cb9.png

On Deadly Ground (1994)

43. Do not hire John C. McGinley as the leader of your goons. He can run a hospital, and can berate imbeciles in the group, but he’s all talk and yet completely incompetent at the work.

44. Steven Seagal is so good he can beat you with just a game of Slaps. Put him against a grizzly bear and it’s a completely different match.

From http://i.imgur.com/2lXNH.png

Apollo 18 (2011)

45. Pet rocks are not innocent.

From http://fearofaghostplanet.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Batman-and-Robin-Mr-Freeze.png

Batman & Robin (1997)

46. Superheroes have their own credit cards. Superman’s only weaknesses are Kryptonite and debt collectors.

47. Sidekicks have egos and are horn dogs. This is also why Superman works alone.

From http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_BcbuH_teL2Q/S8tIv8bKRFI/
AAAAAAAACdw/7uLQJH_bIds/s1600/DominatorCov.jpg

Dominator (2003)

48. If you are an evil Overlord of Hell, don’t let your demonic minions near alcohol. Drunk they will slag you off directly into your face and switch sides.

49. Carol Vorderman apparently likes generic heavy metal.

From http://s54.radikal.ru/i145/1204/0c/db54f7b98206.jpg

Sword of Bushido (1990)

50. Ninjutsu needs to include basic practice of looking both ways while crossing a road.

51. Never pass up on an opportunity to have a car chase in a go-kart.

From http://planetaua.net/uploads/posts/2010-07/1278237166_8f87a111e85c99664a13827588e68185.jpg

Showgirls (1995)

52. The most vital things in a Las Vegas showgirl’s refrigerator, an ice tray and dog food.

53. Las Vegas isn’t Oz let alone Kansas, but there are still monkeys everywhere.

From http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_EHBh8MKeXJ0/TSUy_nO3XoI/
AAAAAAAAABw/Ryh2W5XWzYs/s1600/worst-robot-monster-1953--630-75.jpg

Robot Monster (1953)

54. Dinosaurs suddenly appear when you use your death ray.

55. Unlike human beings, Ro-men are able to communicate across outer space with just a radio and a TV screen.

From http://torrentszona.com/torrents/images/Morg_Mortuary_2005_BDRip_1285557700-123502.jpg

Mortuary (2005)

56. When it looks like its Clint Howard playing the main monster, you can’t find his credit on the film’s IMDB page and feel very disappointed.

57. Little sisters are oblivious to you smelling of weed.

From https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXE7JLq9SBaASTAYoj8cE6xqo-GGkGSm5378KdH9dyi8g4vz7KrwnNdCl1TLqiPv3QOkTX-x-i7tLmBWZTPd2Z1zHRcydnu0rBmrvJSCFnbh-Rj9MDV3ROb3oufd9xF1JAYl25abfBqq-v/s1600/IG02.jpg

International Gorillay (1990)

58. Rocket launchers sound like rayguns.

59. Disco floors can be programmed to cause people to explode on specific tiles.

From http://leetleech.org/images/15810621566410270391.jpg

Cutthroat Island (1995)

60. It’s not deemed crossing a line when you fire your ship’s cannons at a female pirate trying to escape on land despite the damage you’ll cause to the town and architecture doing so.

61. If you have plans to acquire lost Spanish treasure, get a pawn shop consultant just in case. You can divide equally gold doubloons easily, but giant gold crosses need to have their value evaluated against the rest of the loot so there aren’t any controversies amongst the crew.

Hopefully these useful pieces of life advice will benefit you as it did for me. Until the next time, if another season of this does happen, I’ll be going back to the regular reviews. This Week... will unfortunately have to end as because in hindsight attempting to cover every film I watch defeats the purpose of enjoying films and being selective in my review choices. Instead, each month I will have a look back at the films I will have seen, which will include a film or two from this season for the month of February.

Until then, I’ll enjoy life like Michael Caine, star of On Deadly Ground, is doing so here...

From http://cdni.condenast.co.uk/642x390/a_c/Bullseye_GQ_13apr11_pr_b.jpg